In my last post, I suggested I didn’t really understand why some people, more than other people, tend to procrastinate. A related and sometimes overlapping problem, is why some people are chronically late. I don’t really understand this either. Consider these three case histories (somewhat disguised):
1. A young woman, a doctor, came everywhere ten minutes late. She came to work every day ten minutes late. It was as if she had an internal clock that worked perfectly well, but which was set ten minutes slow. I pointed out to her that most jobs would not tolerate that. It was okay to come very late every once in a while, but most of the time she had to come to work on time–just like everyone else. Coming consistently late is interpreted by others as a lack of respect or a determination to do things her own way– a kind of arrogance. She had already lost one job for this reason. She agreed with me that she put herself in danger this way; but she continued to come late. Eventually she lost her current job for the same reason.
2. A woman who suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) was very slow doing everything. She dressed slowly, showered slowly and did everything at work slowly. I was concerned that she too might lose her job since she was routinely late arriving at work. (She worked for a government agency. Perhaps for this reason, I should not have been concerned. At that point where I was sure they were about to fire her, they kept giving her another chance.) I tried making some obvious suggestions: “Lay out your clothes the night before” but nothing I suggested worked. With more experience now, I realize that suggestions of this sort never work. Something more important is operating to make her come late. She said she couldn’t help herself. BUT ONE DAY THE TELEPHONE AWAKENED HER WITH NEWS THAT HER FATHER HAD BEEN ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL. She immediately got out of bed, dressed and showered normally, and left her house after only a half-hour! She seemed to do this effortlessly.
3. Another patient whom I had been seeing twice a week came invariably thirteen minutes late. When I asked her why, she gave some particular reason for being late that day. “Traffic.” “I had to walk the dog.” And so on. I pointed out that since she was so consistent, there had to be some overriding reason why she did this; but she denied this. Like the doctor I mentioned above, she seemed sort of uninterested in why she had this habit. I suggested that she simply start leaving thirteen minutes earlier, but, of course, that didn’t work. I tried meeting her downstairs from my office as a way of saving a few minutes, but that didn’t work either.She was similarly late to all her other appointments, so this wasn’t a personal matter.
This kind of behavior is usually very annoying to people. I was getting paid for my time whether or not she arrived punctually, so you might expect that I was less annoyed; and perhaps I was. But even I got annoyed after a while. I wanted to work with her, and she was frustrating me. I threatened her with stopping treatment, and for a number of months I did stop. When I started again, she came in regularly thirteen minutes late.
Some observations:
1. I am convinced none of these people wanted to make anyo9ne angry.They were not trying to dominate the people they kept waiting or assert their independence in any ordinary sense of the word.
2. They were aware that they were acting against their best interests, although they did not seem very upset by this fact.
3. When the stakes were high enough, sometimes, but not invariably, they arrived on time.
4. I thought, for a while, that they arrived late because they couldn’t tolerate waiting for others; but as time went on I couldn’t find any evidence for this idea. On those rare occasions when the other person was even later than they were, they didn’t seem disturbed.
5. Taking note of this behavior, it had the feel of a kind of stubborness. It seems almost willful, rather than a symptom of some sort. It is as if the person’s understanding of herself demanded that she behave in a certain way. But putting the problem in this way is not explaining it.
It is worth noting, that there are others who are practically never late. I have had patients come to me regularly from a distance that required their driving for over an hour, and yet they have never been late in my memory. When I ask them about that, they say only that they can’t stand being late. Some are never late at the price of always being early, sometimes very early. This represents a response to some sort of anxiety–perhaps the fear that someone waiting for them will become angry and rejecting.
I think most people normally arrive someplace the great majority of the time within a few minutes of being exactly on time–even when the distance traveled to get there is long. Most of the time they will be a few minutes earlier, some times a few minutes late and every once in a great while really late. Someone who arrives places habitually very early is habitually anxious about something.
I became a psychiatrist with the hope of understanding people. Unfortunately, there are some common and important behaviors that are inexplicable. At least to me.
Since posting this I had the opportunity to speak of it to a patient who routinely comes ten minutes late. Without hesitation, she explained to me why she comes late:
1. Her internal clock is set differently from other people
2. She is Brazilian.
3. She doesn’t like waiting for doctors, (although she acknowledges that I am never late.)
4. She has trouble parking.
Probably she would have been able to find a half-dozen other reasons if we didn’t have other more important things to talk about.