Q: Dear Doctor Neuman , I read your blog regularly and find your advice practical. I am in a difficult situation. I have been married for few years but over a period of time we were fighting a lot and were quite distanced from each other even though we were staying togather. 3 years back we met a couple with whome we became friends. They were married for 8 years but the chemistry between them was perfect…just like you see in romantic movies..they were so much into each other. Even though I didnt like the wife but I really was fond of the husband and used to wish that I could have such life partner. Suddenly out of the blue 2 years back he started calling me. .we started talking and sharing our day to day issues ,views and all such things…soon we were close emotionally and physically too..though physical was only 2-3times but this emotional connection was really strong. He hinted many times that we were perfect for each other…and how he wished that we had met earlier…but then he would also feel guilty and tried yo break up many times. I could understand his situation so I always agreed on break up but after a while he would come back because he missed the talks. I used to share problems with my marriage with him frankly and he advised me that I would be better without him…I too believe that but didnt have courage to take any action. By his encouragement I initiated divorce. Today he called me and told that he will have to break up with me but reason he cannot tell. I think his wife is pregnant. I can not share it with anyone as I know Idid a wrong thing.. but I feel so miserable. ..and heart broken and lost…feel like its the end of life.t
– R. Sharma
A: I’m not sure I can say anything that would be comforting to you. The situation seems to be a familiar one: you have had an affair with a married man who does not want to leave his wife to be with you. Affairs often end that way. Men are tied to their families in many different ways. Often, when they have an affair, they daydream to themselves about how wonderful it would be to be with this new woman; but then when the opportunity presents itself, they back away. Often, like everyone else, they do not know why they feel these various ways. There are some men who cynically manipulate women; but I think most of the time they are fooling themselves just as much as they are fooling the woman whom they are leading on.
Assuming he does not change his mind again, you are left in that situation that everyone finds himself, or herself, in at some point in life. You are alone. You are attached to someone who is not there. And you have to start all over again, dating men who seem unsatisfactory and undesirable. The trick now is to keep yourself busy, and as soon as you feel up to it, start dating again. If you can work your way through the next fifty or sixty guys, you will find yourself once again with someone you love.
– Dr. Neuman