Q: Dear Doctor, This is the second time I am writing to you, here is the link to my previous query for reference please …. http://www.fredricneumanmd.com/blog/hello-doctor-wanted-your-inputs-on-a-matter-of-the-heart-i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-a-handsome-young-man-for-around-two-months-trouble-is-he-has-moved-to-a-different-state-a-month-ago-of/Like I had shared with you, I have been in a relationship with this younger gentleman for around three months. I am 35, he is 25. He moved away two months ago but we have been in close touch. He never said he loved me but stays in close touch, messages me every day and calls me around four times a week and we speak for an hour. Like you had advised, I try to seem interesting to him, and I guess to some extent I seem that way to him. I hope I don’t sound silly but we speak for an hour and I don’t know what to say to him!! I don’t have so much going on right now (and feel a little listless as I haven’t been working for a few months now), and some of our interests vary, like for example my interest in poetry or psychology does not interest him. It’s odd but I feel a little anxious as to what to do to keep him interested. When lost, I ask him about his views and past experiences but it seems random sometimes as he is not very introspective. So effectively my enjoyment in speaking to him is compromised by my anxiety though I wait for his call. Also, I am traveling out to meet him interstate soon, but he was not very enthusiastic given his hectic schedule but finally relented.And sorry for the lengthy explanation doctor but the bigger issue I guess I am heading to is that I realise this could go maybe somewhere or maybe not. But I am quite attached to him and preoccupied by him. But I don’t think he is, at least definitely not to the same degree. I really want to be with him, but in a way, I would be relieved if we stop communicating because at least I can put him out of my mind. So effectively I am a little frustrated which I wasn’t before he came on the scene (typical isn’t it), and wonder how long I can carry on like this. I feel my not working is also causing me to overthink all this. He is a nice person and very handsome too and I doubt I will find such a guy again. So how do I take it from here given all this, would really like some direction and perspective from you on this.With Regards, Jane.
A: There is just so much you can control in a relationship, and no more. Obviously, this young man finds you interesting, otherwise he would not be talking to you for an hour on a number of different occasions. I don;t think at this stage in your relationship you should worry too much about what you are talking about. Tell him what is going on in your life and what you are thinking about. Probably you will have a better idea of how he feels after you get together with him again. It strikes me that there are three things that will get in the way. You cannot do anything about them. Either they will interfere, or they will not. The first is the difference in your ages. The older someone gets, the less this matters, but it is likely to matter to a man who is twenty-five. Secondly, the pressures in society today are such that men of that age–no matter what the circumstances– are less likely to marry than in previous generations. The usual age for settling down is in the late twenties or later. Chances are his friends will be single. Finally, significant separations tend to undermine relationships. Still, I have seen some couples transcend all these difficulties.
– Dr. Neuman