Q: Dear Dr. Neuman, I have enjoyed reading your columns in Psychology today and I feel you might be able to give me advice that would suit for this situation I am having. I have a mutual friend who, months ago, wanted to have relationship with me. I gave it a thought and told him I liked him as well but needed time to feel sure about relationship with him. In between, we hung out and also got physically involved. And as I suspected things changed very much. After a while we both got little distant for a sometime. I wanted to take time out to think if I really wanted to pursue but to me cons were higher than pros especially after things got complicated. I told him that we should go our separate ways since he was not communicating openly but in that moment he gave me mixed feelings and things were back to square one. Then again more distant, non confrontational from his part so I feel he doesn’t have decency to come clean about his intentions. I feel bit of shame and guilty and going against my gut feelings about this relationship. what hurts me most is that I have known this friend for a while now and we have shared lot of social activities in the past. I have been always open and honest to him. So now I have decided to move ahead. I would like to put this incident past me but I cannot stop feeling ashamed and gilt and thinking that a friend has hurt me, deliberately. At this point I do not know how to approach the situation. We do share many mutual friends.I would appreciate your advice or any suggestions. Thanks!
– Michelle S
A: The situation you seem to find yourself in is familiar to most people. Everyone has thought that it would probably makes sense to hold back from becoming intimate with a particular person, but then find themselves going ahead anyway. This is not a reason to feel guilty or ashamed. This is one aspect of the human condition. We have evolved to get into sexual situations first and think later on about whether or not that affair makes sense.
As you can see from the way you yourself feel, it does not make sense to base your decision (or for him to base his decision) on what the other person says. Men and women can state their “intentions” frankly, and still change their minds a few days later. People get carried away in intimate situations and will say anything, not because they are lying, but because their feelings at those moments are unreliable. You should judge these situations on the basis of how a man behaves, rather than what he says.
I have the feeling from what you say, that you can become friends with this young man again.
– Dr. Neuman