Q: Doctor….reading ur blog regularly tells me I should face up to things I find uncomfortable. Well, Im friendly but retire at making friends… I have been to my gym 6 months but have not made ONE friend. Generally I do better in an office kinda environment. Like there is a popular guy I would like to know but dont know what to say so…Forget the guy …Just pls give me tips to make friends and find courage to do stuff I find hard to do..Thanks!!
– Ally
A: If you look around, you will find that men and women approach each other by speaking and behaving in relatively straightforward ways. You have to aim to be friendly. And you have to start the conversation. If you are not open and welcoming, you will be perceived as cold, if you are noticed at all. What you say does not matter much. “Hi,” will do, with a smile. A patient of mine (a woman) was approached by a stranger who asked “Do you like carrots?” Later on, after they knew each other she asked him why he said that. He replied that it was the only thing that sprang quickly to mind. You do not have to be sensible or especially provocative. Anything will do. Here are some of the things someone might say at a gym. You can ask about:
what the other person thinks of the equipment
whether he/she has been coming to the gym for a while
whether the other person manages to get away from work to be there.
the weather.
You can make a comment about yourself:
“I don’t seem to lose weight no matter how many of these things I push around”
“I almost didn’t get here today because of the traffic.”
After an initial contact, it is appropriate to ask a personal question, such as where the other person lives and works. Etc.
You should consider that the initial approach must be made by you, whether you are a man or a woman. Nothing awful will happen. The other person will not turn away with a sneer, or spit on the ground. If someone is unreponsive, fine, approach someone else. After you have entered into a conversation a couple of times, it is always appropriate to ask the other person whether he/she would like to get a cup of coffee. If you are like many of my patients, you are now saying to yourself, “I could never do that.” But you can.
– Dr. Neuman