Q: Dr. Neuman – I enjoyed your article on “Why Some People Can’t Find Anyone To Marry”, as I think I’ve ended up in that position. I’m a 44-year old freelance illustrator. I work at home and I work long hours, plus I am transitioning into directing, so I’m juggling two fulltime careers. I’m tall, healthy, no kids, and live in the center of a midsize city. Yet, I’m having difficulty meeting women to date. I’m not shy, I make friends easily, but I gave up online dating after my last relationship went sour, as I was attracting desperate, selfish women and after a while, I kept seeing the same 25 women who have been searching for “Prince Charming” for ages. I much prefer meeting people in real life, and I’ve started therapy to work on my own issues, but I’m really wanting to date a mentally healthy woman with an eye toward marriage. Is there something else I should be doing? Thanks – mh
A: Since only a small percentage of women you are likely to meet will prove to be desirable to you, (each of them may well be desirable to others) the most important thing is to meet a lot of women. It used to be that couples could meet each other only in one of three places: at work, around the neighborhood, or at some favored activity, such as church. The only strictly singles activities were singles dances. These are still available, but the opportunities they represent are few compared to those available through social media and the internet. I always encourage men and women not to despair when these activities seem not to be working out. For that reason I think going on four or five dating sites at the same time is a good idea. I am not familiar with Facebook, but a number of my patients have told me of connecting through Facebook with people they knew a long time ago. Try this also. Try not to allow yourself to be turned off by pictures before you even meet that person. Often, there will be some qualities of mind or spirit that makes someone seemingly unattractive attractive. There are meetup sites that are worth going to. They are not strictly dating sites. You can meet someone who is interested in things you are interested in, such as intellectual pursuits, such as book clubs, astronomy clubs, and so on, or sports, such as whitewater or hiking or dancing groups, or just plain social groups, such as people who get together on Christmas or New Years. There are loads of shy but appealing women out there who need to be pursued since they also are discouraged.
– Dr. Neuman