Q: Greetings Doctor. Thanks for your compassionate and incisive advice to us readers. I wanted your inputs on something. I am in a passionate relationship with a man since four months who has unequivocally stated that we have no future and he wants to marry someone from his own faith in a year or two. He calls our relationship a friendship and says he does not love me. He is attentive to me, and passionate and gives me time and displays all the signs of a loving lover otherwise. He may change his mind down the line someday but I am falling for him hard and am feeling pretty low because of his stand. I could go along with the affair as I haven’t had such an experience before and am crazy about him; at the same time I want much more and I tend to get deeply attached. So I wonder if I should go along for the joyride but I don’t think I have the kind of detachment that demands of me. So should I risk depression and heartbreak for the thrill of being with him? I am clueless. What would your advice to me be? Regards, Lisa.
A: For various reasons besides religious differences sometimes people find themselves in the midst of a romantic affair where it seems the partner has made up his/her mind that there is no future. I suppose it is reasonable to take that person’s statements at face value, although certainly there are times that someone says he will behave in the future in a certain way, and then will not. People do not know their own minds that well. Sometimes someone promises marriage and then reneges. Sometimes a person will say he definitely has no expectation of getting together permanently, but then changes his mind. Sometimes at the point of walking out the door.
What usually happens in your situation is that you will feel upset and annoyed at someone you love treating you as you have only limited value. Even if you love him, that rejection will bother you more and more over time. Someone in a long-term relationship with a man who refuses to make a final commitment will become increasingly impatient and at some point will say that in the absence of a commitment she wants to move on. That is a hard step to take and usually is undertaken only after a number of half-steps. But then it happens. Either the recalcitrant lover will then see how much he is missing–and come back–or he will not. In time, all such disappointments fade away; and life goes on. I don’t think anyone ever gets over such a relationship finally until he/she is in love with someone else.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to prevent getting involved and risking a rejection. You are likely to feel just as bad now breaking it off as you will later on. Besides, I never recommend stopping seeing someone–if for no other reason that no one listens to me.
– Dr. Neuman