Q: Hello Doctor, wanted your inputs on a matter of the heart. I have been in a relationship with a handsome young man for around two months. Trouble is he has moved to a different state a month ago. Of course he is very busy and now he has roommates and all that. Our communication which was extensive when he had just moved is reducing. I told him several times I would visit him but he was not very forthcoming on that idea though he visited me in the past. He has been very affectionate whenever he has been with me but he never said he loved me, and never took up the cue when I hinted I did. I just wonder where to go from here, I am feeling a little hurt but I wonder if I’m just being a girl. I have stopped telling him I miss him because he never says he misses me, plus I don’t want to nag him. But he does message me two three times daily and calls every other day or so. I have not voiced any discontent and am trying to be understanding. But I wonder if this is the starting of the end, he is very handsome so I am sure he has plenty of options. I really like this guy but I am getting kind of prepared for what seems inevitable but it’s painful. So what is my query to you again? Though I know it’s hard for you to predict but where do you think this is headed? And what should be my conduct through this?
– Jane
A: It sounds to me like you’re handling this situation correctly. In general, you want to remain encouraging without coming across as needy or clinging. Beyond that, I don’t know what you can do. You can make yourself interesting by telling him about interesting things you are doing; but if he knows you very well, nothing you say is likely to make enough of a difference. You would like to make room for the possibility that in the future you can begin your relationship all over again.
You did not comment about your ages. If you are young–if he has gone away to college– the social pressures are always towards breaking up. At the age of thirty-five, for example, the pressures work in the opposite direction, and he might find reasons to continue the relationship. By the way, his being handsome has nothing to do with all of this. Every man will find dating opportunities if he looks for them. On the other hand, even handsome and appealing men may have self-doubts and find it difficult for that reason to date comfortably.
– Dr. Neuman