Q: Hello Dr. I hope you are having a nice day.I am writing to you because I’ve been having some trouble feeling okay with my life. Last year I had a lot of “success”, if I may call it that way, during the first half, but then… a lot of not so good stuff happened to me. That made a negative impact on me and I started feeling bored of my career, my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, my life in general. I don’t know if it is because I failed greatly in my career life (with what I was crazy passionate about) and started getting mixed feelings. I’ve always been insecure, but deep down, when it comes to my abilities in my carreer I’d know that I wasn’t THAT bad… but then it was as if I tried to convince myself I am NOT good at what I do.. on the other hand, I was, still am, tremendously bored of my life. Today is the same as yesterday and the same as tomorrow. I don’t know what to do to feel better because even when I do things I like, I don’t enjoy them as much. That’s on -my career- part of my life.But, then, I feel the same in my relationship. I’ve been with the same guy for 5 years. The last year and a half has been difficult. First, it was him wanting different things, ignoring me a little bit, not “taking care” of me, not giving me details, I was not a priority. Still, he wasn’t all bad. He’s a nice person, with the sweetest heart. He had some problems of his own last year, so I kind of understand many of the things he felt. Sometimes he was very rude to me, and I think that screwed things up a little bit. I wasn’t a golden star either, though. I got too focused on my career and was all stressed out most of the time. I also ignored him a little, and wasn’t very nice most times. The thing is, someone entered into my life and started feeling things for him. He kind of was that spark I needed, and still need, in my life. Doing different things, talking about different stuff, etc.. Anyway, I didn’t want to be unfaithful because I really do care a lot about my boyfriend. So I wasn’t unfaitfull “action-wise”, but I can’t say my heart wasn’t with the other guy. I blew that one, anyway. Since I was little, I watched movies and soap operas, instead of cartoons. So, now, I think, because of that.. I relate every man I meet with a story I saw on t.v. and match it to some kind of stereotype. Like, this will happen now and then things will go this way, but of course, I always end up being disappointed because reality doesn’t work that way or so I’ve come to realize. Anyway, the drama its in my skin now and I don’t know how to take it off. I want to be real, not some girl of a movie I’ve seen, but then… I’m not sure of who am I.And then, my life in general. I’m too scared to do anything new, but I am tremendously bored of my life. I don’t want to go to college, not my home or my boyfriend’s home. I feel as if I need a trip (that’s not possible right now or anytime soon), I need new things, but I am not sure of what. I don’t have the money to pay for lessons of anything, internet is getting boring, I don’t feel the desire to do anything, I just know I need something new.How can I find out who am I really?How do I take off the drama queen crown?How do I know when its the end and when I have to beat the obstacles?How can I be less scared of life and start comfronting it?How do I stop myself of wanting to cry everytime some autorithy figure screams at me?How can I not be who I am right now without betraying my being?Thank you in advance.
– Mary
A:
You complain about being bored with life, and you mention all the varied facets of life: work, friends, boyfriend, etc. All of these are boring to you. Still, you seem to be most unhappy with your attachment to your boy friend–and perhaps men in general. You sound just a little angry at him in particular. These feelings of being dissatisfied are difficult to tease out, one from the other. You think they may come from having an overly romantic view of love that comes from reading or watching romantic stories. You think you are being unrealistic in wanting this sort of romance. Perhaps. Still, keep in mind that most people, despite being subject to the same influences, do not go through life profoundly disappointed and bored. There may be other causes.
Whenever someone tells me they are bored a lot, I think there is some central wish or experience that they always longed for and have not achieved. You may think that has to do with a relative failure of a career; but I am referring to something more subtle. It may be the wish to be recognized or admired. Often it has to do with some aspect of love. It may be that you wish to be central to the life of someone else. It is unusual, and not necessarily desirable, for lovers to be entirely wrapped up with each other. But figuring out what you have always wanted may lead to your being more successful at reaching that goal. This does not mean discovering who you really are deep down. We are all different things; and they change as we grow older and grow up. I am inclined t0 think those things that are on the surface are more important, anyway.
You mention being afraid to reach out or change in some ways; and I’m sure that fear may be holding you back. It is what holds most people back. The only way to overcome any fear–social or otherwise–is to confront that fear over and over again. Usually these fears dissipate in the end after persistent effort.
You have to be concerned that what you want may not be achievable through a relationship with a man. Some wives I know are looking to their spouse to provide some kind of security that they really wanted from a parent. Such things may not be possible.
– Dr. Neuman