“Ask Dr. Neuman”

Advice Column

Hello dr. I’d written to you before. Maybe you remember.

by | Oct 13, 2014 | Ask Dr Neuman

Q: Hello dr. I’d written to you before. Maybe you remember. I was the one of the perfect boyfriend having feeling for other guy. So.. this is what happened. I stayed with my boyfriend from march until now.. kind of trying to ignore my feelings, trying to do, what I felt in the moment, was right. Because, despite of everything… my boyfriend was and still is a great man with the greatest heart. And I kinda hate that last year when I asked him for things to be different.. things never changed and he didn’t want to listen… and later, when I was not as in love or with the desire of keep on fighting for the relationship.. he actually flip the situation… but by then, I was already liking the other guy… and I thought, well, it’s just something and it will pass.. but it never really did, Idk, why it took a pair of nights for me not to stop thinking about the other guy.. imagining all sorts of things.. there was one night specifically that was (it sounds exagerated) but it was AWESOME in sooo many ways… we did a little bit of everything and we both loved it.. and we never kissed or did anything.. we just hug like for a decade when we said goodbye. I don’t what was it about that night that I can’t get over it.. and I was liking this guy for so long after that, even now… and it was in march. The thing is that while my boyfriend was making all the efforts to bring me back to being in love with him, I couldn’t help, but to keep finding this guy more and more interesting everytime… more and more fun, more and more EVERYTHING… I couldn’t stop thinking about the small moments I had with him.. and it sucked so badly, because on one hand I wanted to be okay with my exboyfriend because we have such good chemistry, our families got along very nicely, and in so many ways I KNOW that never ever will someone be as beautifully nice with me as my ex. But why couldn’t I feel anymore? why did it took so little for me to fall into that situation… I always criticized those girls, but now I am on their feet.. or was, for a long time, and I realize that it’s as easy as it looks it is.. or it is, but we make a storm about it and everything falls apart. Anyway, I recently broke up with my boyfriend and.. started kinda dating the other guy.. and it was so intense, so great, everything happened soo quickly.. I feel as if I couldn’t even really enjoy it for every bit of it.. we only went on four dates before he said he didn’t want anything like that with me anymore.. he said something about the compatibility not being 100%.. when he knows that we had been talking.. even went on a couple of lunches while me being with my boyfriend (I am not proud, but, sadly.. I don’t regret it because I had such a good time) and everything was sooo nice… and now, out of nowhere, it’s over. I know, it’s time for me to be alone, to get to know me, because.. hell I just got out of a 5 year relationship that started when I was 17… and I know, this time is for me.. but.. I can’t help to feel sad.. that things didn’t work out.. I don’t know why, maybe its that I am too corny or.. I don’t know what happened, one day it was all okay and then… it wasn’t. Anyway… that’s what happened. I just needed to write it down and having someone read this.. just because. I will be okay, right? Not the end of the world. I just.. I’ve been so stupid this year because I let this.. take over my life (little life at 22 haha) and now.. I am not doing so good at school, I am happy at work, but lower my level of productivity because of this whole thing… I can’t talk much to my mom because she was in love with my ex and I know that she will ask all sorts of questions that I am not prepared to talk about.. or answer for that matter… my big sister went on a trip (she’s usually my rock). And.. I’ve been going out.. a lot. With friends and people that I don’t know if they really are friends or want something more.. but I just go out with them as friends.. is that okay? for me to go out with people like that.. its fun, I don’t kiss them or anything nor I give them hopes of anything.. but is that okay? is it healthy for me? I don’t know.. I like it, going out and its the thing about fullfilling those.. desires? of doing new stuff, knowing new worlds.. new perspectives.. things that I can do with this new people and that I can’t do with my old friends.. because they are not used to go out with me, they don’t have those same interests, they are occupied with thei boy/girlfriends, or simply… it doesn’t happen, you know.. so I like that about going out with these guys, but I don’t know how healthy it is for me to do so.. knowing that maybe they want something more of a friendship with me.. or is it fair to them? Of course not, I should just tell them that I don’t want anything like that if the subject pops out.. Anyway, I did this stupid thing of calling my ex.. not like a exgirlfriend being “sorry” about what she did.. but as a friend who feels lonely and his advice actually helped a lot. We’ve been talking… saying that we’re friends.. but I think that’s not fair to him, even if he says he has accepted the fact I don’t want to be hi gf anymore.. maybe I am not being fair to him. I shouldn’t talk to him, but he was also my friend, suuuch good friend.. and we had this chemistry of being able to talk about anything anytime or just being in silence without it being uncomfortable… he understood that about me, that sometimes I talk in silence.. and I enjoy that… but other people don’t. They want someone who laughs their head out, and drinks and smokes and does this and that.. but I am so shy, so narcissistic but in a insecure way (weird?).. so quiet, so boring? maybe? so uninteresting.. sometimes I talk too much about myself and I know that’s boring.. I need to get back to reading.. get back to singing badly.. get back to do anything, just anything…Anyway, thanks for reading this whole stupid thing.. I know, it’s the stupid problems that are not problems of a 22 year old being so in love with the idea of mad, crazy, beautiful love.. Can’t wait to hear from you.Jamie.

A: I think the kind of mix-up you are going through is not unusual for someone your age. You are not doing  anything wrong. If you date someone you are not committed to getting serious–or even going on a second date. If someone gets attached to you, you have not done anything wrong, even if you know you cannot reciprocate that feeling. Your only obligation is  not to lie. If someone wishes to talk himself into thinking you are more serious than you are, that is his decision and his problem.

I cannot help thinking, as I read your letter, that it would be surprising if you were saying the same sort of things when you were in your  late thirties. When you are young, it is a little like being in a candy store–you want to taste everything. Later on in life–when you have already tested everything, and some of it does not taste so good–you are more likely to think about how it would be living with a particular person when you settle down. Having fun might seem less important.
– Dr. Neuman