Q: Hi Doctor,I have read and admired your work and some of your insights have made my life better.Where do I begin? The things bringing me down are summarized as under -1. I have been out of work for 10 months, I was in a public dealing role and very popular and busy (honest) – now I feel useless and doubtful.2. The reason I am out of work is my dad died unexpectedly and I had to put my life and career on hold and rush back to my hometown over a year ago to care for the family home and my 70 plus aunt and mom. 3. My mom is super demanding, she is bed ridden, screams and yells (and calls me bastard and moron and other names culturally acceptable in her part of the world), and gets upset even if I take a friends call and we have had bitter arguments about this (I’m 37, male, single) God, where to begin, she’s been very clingy my whole life. She never got along with dad….ruined my 20s by following me wherever I had a job…so my 20s (when men are sleeping around and living it up) ware reduced to working evening shifts and caring for her the rest of the time. She systematically tells me ..EVERY DAY..that friends and socializing are a waste of time and I should spend my time otherwise..like caring for her. I feel a mix of anger and pity. Also as she is ill and her days may be numbered; but that does that mean I have to suffer even more. This mixture of indignation and grief is taking a toll on me. 4. My sister, has conveniently played the victim for 7 years since her divorce, takes no responsibility for mom….and is now living in my apartment in the city while I alone take care of my 72 plus 120 kg mom and 84 ys old schizophrenic aunt in my dead end hometown.5. I have always been a doormat. In all my relationships. In my professional capacity – I found it in me to stand up for what was required of me as I HAD to…and found considerable success – at least socially and reputation wise if not economically. I have been fortunate to be well loved and regarded most places I have worked. My charm and wit, and genuine fondness of people have helped. But as my singledom at 37 will indicate, Im going no great shakes otherwise. But at this stage I feel I have allowed my family to take advantage of my genial nature.6. I have been burdened with selling my dad’s business and estate..no easy task as the market Is low and I have no experience in this. Dealing with this futilely day in and out for a year has worn me out.7. Being single and lonely is taking a toll, but I guess that’s a story for another time.In short (haha!!) I have always been the one in my family who could be counted on to do the most thankless jobs…at 37..I feel my life is a mess. I have managed to lose 32 kgs in the last 3 years and am fit now (somehow!!) and feel good about that….but I’m feeling overwhelmed and overcome. And angry. Some days I just want to overdrink and overeat and smoke and pass out but I don’t want to end up as a neurotic hypertensive diabetic corpulent patient. Any suggestions?
– Ali
A: I assume you write to me with the expectation that I will give you the same advice anyone else would–so here it is: You have an obligation to yourself in addition to your obligation to your mother. It is true, her days are numbered, but so are yours–and mine and everyone else’s. It does not matter, really, whether your mother is agreeable or unpleasant as she seems to be. An adult child is not supposed to sacrifice his life for a parent. It is true that the expectations one has towards these obligations are culturally determined, and if you lived in a different country, perhaps on a farm, your responsibilities would be greater. But this is a different country. In America an adult child is expected to call a parent at brief intervals–perhaps weekly or every few days– but is not expected to live with him/her. Certainly an adult child cannot fill any empty spaces in a parent’s life. How your mother lives now is an outgrowth of how she lived all her life. Old people have friends to fill up their lives. If they do not, children cannot substitute. Children are supposed to be cared for. They grow up and care for their children. The reverse cannot be true. You can pay bills and sit around the house, even change a diaper if a parent becomes incontinent, but you cannot truly care for him/her. The emotional bond goes in one direction. That is why your mother speaks to you disrespectfully. You are still her child. It is unfortunate that your mother expects you to sacrifice your life to keep her company; but you should not. You have a family of your own waiting to be formed. I think you know all this. I think other people have told you the same thing. The question then becomes, why have you allowed yourself to vegetate in taking care of someone else. Sometimes, the legitimate impulse to altruism covers a fear of the ordinary struggles of single life. You need to ask yourself if that is the case.