Hi Dr. Neuman. So… I have a little bit of a dilemma.
Q: Hi Dr. Neuman. So… I have a little bit of a dilemma. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years now and he is perfect for me in many ways, I can’t even explain. The thing is we’ve been through some trouble and things don’t feel the same. We decided we wanted a time-out, but then we didn’t… or it only worked for one day, anyway. We decided we want to be together and work on our differences… it’s only been a few days, but I really have felt a complete change of attitude in him and I love that, but it still doesn’t feel quite the same. I know he is perfect for me, I might even say he is my soulmate, but I’m not sure if I’m still in love (I don’t understand that feeling). I haven’t breaken up with him because of what I’ve stated above, but I’m scared it’s just me being comfortable and not “in love”. Plus, there is this guy to whom I feel a little bit attracted to, we talk a lot and I like what I talk about with him. I think he feels a little attracted too, I’m not sure though. Anyway, I feel confused. I’m not sure about what I feel, I just know my boyfriend is perfect, but then again I don’t feel in love (I do have a great time with him every time we spend time together) and there is that little thing about me being attracted to someone else. I don’t understand me.
– Jamie L.
A: You say your boyfriend is perfect, but I suspect he may not be entirely perfect otherwise you would not have found reason for a “time out.” The kind of indecision you are talking about seems to me to be extremely common in relationships, even those that end in marriage. Sometimes very close romantic relationships break apart when something goes wrong and then a few days later comes back again.–Then breaks apart again when the couple is reminded of what they did not like in the first place. Then they get back together again for a shorter time and then break apart again. Finally, things happen to one or both of them, and they move on. Sometimes the breakup becomes permanent because someone has met someone else.
A word about finding yourself attracted to other men. Even men and women who are in a loving, committed relationship will notice someone who is attractive. That much is normal and to be expected. If you find yourself contemplating going out with this other man, I would suspect your relationship with the “perfect” person you are currently seeing is cooling. My suggestion is to continue doing what you are doing, and see what happens. You do not have to figure it out now. The only rule is that if you do find yourself going out with someone else, you have to mention it to the person you are currently seeing. The chances of things going permanently wrong are too high otherwise.
– Dr. Neuman
Comments
Hello, dr. Neuman. Thanks for answering.
I still don’t understand my feelings. Things with my boyfriend have improved. He is perfect, the kind of guy you can’t find easily. I love his family, the way he thinks, how much fun we have together, he is my best friend. The reason why we had decided to take a time-out was because we had both changed and our attitudes towards the relationship were different, but now… it’s only been two weeks, but many things have changed and it feels good. The problem is, no matter how much I try, I don’t feel things the same. I just can’t be completely happy even when things have gotten so much better… I find myself reading a lot about relationships and I’ve found that it’s normal what is happening to us right now, that we have a chance since we have a really strong friendship and we’ve developed such bonds that I don’t think can be broken easily, but why can’t I feel “in love” the way I did before… I feel okay and I’m happy, but not in love. He does tell me constantly that he does not want to lose me and that he is so in love with. I just feel so guilty, but I don’t want to let him go, because I really think he is perfect for me. Is is emotional dependence?
On the other hand, I’ve stopped talking so frequently with the other guy. With whom I still feel a little attracted, but as time goes by I realize that I cannot be completely myself. He is a great guy and there is something (don’t know what) about him that I find so attracted. It’s not he’s physical appearance, but his mind, the way he thinks and how sure he seems to be about himself (something nor me or my boyfriend are). Plus, he’s always doing something (different from me or my boyfriend)… so I don’t know. He’s come to visit me twice, nothing has happened and my boyfriend knows about it. BUT, I can’t say it’s completely innocent, because I did flirt a little. In the end we hugged, but I’m very affectionate with my close friends… so, I don’t know. It’s weird and it is freaking me out not knowing what do I really feel… not because of this guy, but because of me alone. What do I really want? I don’t understand why am I not enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend, who has done nothing, but fight for both of us and doing a lot of things I’ve been wishing for him to do… he even said that he realized that what I was asking for was not a change in his being, but in his attitude… and I think I’ve done the same… try to be better. Feel so hypocritical sometimes, but other times I think “you’re being stupid, you have perfection, enjoy it”-
I’ve concluded that I want to be with my boyfriend, but I can’t stop myself from being happy or excited when me and the other guy talk. I love talking to him. It’s different and I love the kind of conversations. I know it’s not the same feeling as “just a friend”, but it’s not like “I’m in love” either…
Help me understand me, please. I’m going nuts.
- Jamie L.
You don’t have to figure this out right away. The issue is not really do you or don’t you love someone; the issue is whether or not you want to be with somebody permanently. Right now, it sounds like you have not made up your mind. That’s okay. People’s feelings change; and even someone who is committed to a particular person may turn out to feel differently later on. You may think it is sensible to be with one person over another; but I guess that is not quite the way you feel. Otherwise you would not be troubled by the sense of making a mistake.
- Dr. Neuman
Thanks Dr. Neuman. I’ve been thinking of what you’ve said… and I think I need to be alone, just me, no boyfriend. I don’t know why, really, but I think that that’s what I want and need. Still I hope I don’t lose my friendship with my current boyfriend, he’s the only person in the world (beside my family) with whom I feel completely comfortable and the only one who understands my sense of humor. He is still perfect, maybe it’s just not our time, right now.
Thank you for your advice.
- Jamie L.
What about the issue when things are really good, a person may push away – then return when they deal with the fear of true intimacy? Do good relationships have one or the other at times backing off…meaning one is more in love, then roles switch etc. Is that unhealthy? Or typical…?
- Elle
I find it hard to generalize about the way good relationships go. Probably anything you can imagine is possible. Relationships can be said to be “good” only as far as the relationship has lasted. Some marriages are certainly good but can break apart thirty years later.
- Dr. Neuman
