Q: Hi Dr. Neumann, I’m Leonard a music grad student in Rochester, ny and I’m dating a medical grad student from syracuse, ny. We’ve been skype dating for the last month and a half. My guy mentioned last week “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I told him we should ease into this. He said okay. I love him but I’m not ready to fall in love. But I told him that I want to ease into falling in love. What advice do you have?
– Lenny (Leonard) Hayes
A: I don’t think falling in love is the kind of thing you can regulate intentionally. Usually, someone feels suddenly in love–even if that realization comes later in a relationship. In particular, you cannot protect yourself from the pain of the relationship breaking up by going slow at first. You may know the other person better–and perhaps understand better whether or not that person is suitable for you–but that won’t make much difference in whether or not you “fall in love.”
Two different patients come to mind. One woman about thirty was used to taking her mother’s advice about not falling in love “too quickly.” She refused to schedule a second date earlier than two weeks after the first–in order to control her feelings. That is ridiculous. People can fall in love anyway. However, seeming distant can certainly affect the way the other person feels. She was single largely because she kept men at arms length in such a way.
The second woman was one of a number of people who told me they fell in love with someone just by texting. Such a thing is possible–but not reliable. This particular woman told me that she was head over heels in love with this man until she saw him for the first time waiting for her at an airline terminal. She turned and walked away without bothering to greet him.
I think it is reasonable to be skeptical when you fall in love with someone, or someone falls in love with you. But being thoughtful and careful does not prevent falling in love with the wrong person.
– Dr. Neuman