Q: Hi! Glad I found your blog! I am a female, 55, in midst of a nasty divorce (abusive husband – he’s temporarily lost parental rights) son is 14. I’m being helped by a psychologist and a male friend.Psych guy is wonderful (early 40s), and my male friend (65) was incredibly wonderful and supportive. We became more than friends about 6-7 months into our relationship; we’ve been together 18 mo. total now. We talked about a future together, we saw each other when we could – safely. Because of the relationship dynamics, I had to do a lot of the planning, calling, etc. We used to talk on the phone sometimes 6x a day. But he was always happy to talk to me. Yeah, you could say I was needy – it went with the territory.I am, and have been, getting better and better. My friend commented on that, except he used to tell me I’m “too nice”. About 3 months ago, I felt as if he was starting to pull back some. He was saying “I love you” a lot less – and rarely initiated the phrase. Sometimes he would not return my calls. And his attitude just seemed cooler, and a lot more moody. I could tell he still loved me by his non-verbal language when we were together- he was just cooler. He began to raise concerns that I needed a younger man, and was also concerned about how my son would accept him. He also told me that, although he had promised me he would “see me through this to the end”, he didn’t think it would be this difficult. However, he has told me still, that he does not want to lose me.But now, instead of saying I should call him whenever I want, HE defines when we will talk on the phone; and about a third of the time, he will not call me when he says he will. Sometimes, when he knows I’m available to be seen, he finds a reason not to.This has been INCREDIBLY hard for me I have to say, going through this horrible divorce, and then to have one of my supportive rocks slowly turning into sand. I really love this man – I know it is not a rebound crush. I have backed off as best I can, but it is killing me. I only call him back if I miss a call. I’ve tried to lay off on the “I love you’s” – only saying it occasionally. He responds, “you too”. He even wanted me to try to “go out on one date with someone – just one” … several days later I told him I didn’t want to go out on a date, I wanted to be with him. I know that some of his people have told him that I am going to dump him as soon as the divorce is over. I have tried to reassure him that this will not happen. But I don’t think he believes it; he’s had a LOT of losses and disappointments in his life. My friend is at the point where he wants to have an initial meeting with my son (a casual “bump into” kind of meeting). He knows that this will be a long process for him to become a part of me and my son. My psych says we should demonstrate friendship for a good amount of time before we divulge dating. Another factor is he is black and I am white. However, my son has a life-long experience with an interracially married couple. So, race does not bother him. I don’t hold the same level of concern that my friend does about my son accepting him, or that I’m going to run off with some guy I bump into.My friend does have some family issues he is dealing with as well – so I do keep that in mind. I think he is overwhelmed, as he does take on other people’s energy. And maybe age is playing into it as well.I guess my question is, what do I do here? I don’t want to lose him, but, I just feel like as the weeks go by, he just gets more distant. I dont’ want to be insensitive either, but, I don’t want to let him walk on me either.Interestingly, during his vacation last week, he sent me a wonderful text, within it telling me how much he missed me.Very confusing.
– Chrissy R.
A: If I had a serious, long-term relationship with a woman, such as you describe, and I had not yet been introduced to her son, I would be very angry. Meeting family members is one recognizable step in a couple committing themselves to each other. If, in addition to that, I were of a different race, I would certainly suspect that that might be contributing to her hesitancy. You must understand that Black men have a reason to think that when the chips are down, someone might have trouble committing herself to him. It is absurd to introduce him to your son a little at a time, as if your having a relationship would be traumatic and something your son might have trouble getting used to. If you think you are not doing something wrong, there is no reason for your son to think so.
You report yourself as “needy,” as if that “goes with the territory.” It does not. Men and women who demand that the other reassures them constantly one way or another are annoying. This is usually referred to as “clinging and demanding” behavior. You indicate in other things that you say that you recognize this. Keep in mind that couples naturally express their love verbally less over time as their behavior makes more and more recognizable the fact of their love. He sates a not unreasonable concern that you might over time find yourself attracted to a younger man. You don’t mention your sexual relationship. Keep in mind that sex may become a chancy affair with men of his age; and he might need to be reassured.
You ask what I think you should do now. Keep in mind that I do not know either of you, so that for some unknown reason you might not be able to take my advice; and, for some equally unknown reason, you might have judged from your friend that he wants you to go slow. Certainly, it is possible–as it always is– that your relationship has cooled for reasons that you are unaware of.
1. Hesitate, as you have been doing, to call him simply to discover how he feels about you. Since you have been coming across as clinging, make a point of not seeming that way.
2. Introduce him to your son as a close friend. All three of your should do things together. I think it is reasonable, while you are married to his father, not to have your friend stay over, or move in, but there need be no ambiguity in your relationship.
Try to make the relationship less pressured and more fun. Do not try to figure out what will happen in the future on the basis of what he is saying now. It can’t be done.
– Dr. Neuman