Q: Hi, I am having a tough year. I lost two of my closest girlfriends this year because I couldn’t accept their decisions to stay with their abusive partners. I have regretted my decision to end the friendships because my love life hasn’t been perfect. I never stay in a relationship more than three months. I always end up being afraid of it succeeding and being stuck in a committed jail. I usually sabotage the relationship by picking out small imperfections and magnifying them. I would like some help in figuring out how to stop repeating the same steps and maybe taking the correct steps in letting someone in. I am just afraid that if I let someone in that that they will leave and I don’t want to feel the pain that comes along with that.
– Danielle P
A: I think we fail at most of the things we fail at because of fear. Anything that you want very much risks your losing it. I don’t think anyone can really protect himself/herself from feeling bad when such a thing happens. I remember a woman who thought the safest thing to do in a new relationship was to limit her contacts (no matter who the man was) to every other week. Of course, this sort of strategy makes the loss of the relationship more likely; and, anyway, it does not protect someone from the pain of falling in love and being rejected. It is hard for me to suggest anything that might help you since the details of just how and why you become dissatisfied is not clear. (cannot really be clear in a short paragraph.) It seems to me that if you recognize that you are doing something to sabotage the relationship, you are ahead of the game.
Make sure the next time that you do not indicate that you expect things to fall apart. These are self-fulfilling prophecies.
Also, I think you should call your friends up and tell them you miss them. It would be nice if you tell them you realize that relationships are more complicated than they might seem to a friend.
As a psychiatrist, I hate to tell anyone (no matter how obvious it seems to me) that a particular relationship should break up. I have been proven wrong on too many occasions.
– Dr. Neuman