How to Tell if You Are Possessed

Not everyone who is gay is possessed.

Gordon Klingenschmitt,  a Colorado state representative, became the latest in a long line of politicians who claim that homosexuals are possessed by the devil. He was provoked by a commercial for jewelry that depicted two women shopping for a wedding ring. He added, parenthetically, that the television executives who put the commercial on the air were also possessed. He is, I think, misinformed. Not every gay person is possessed. Certainly, not all those who do business with homosexuals, one way or the other, are possessed. In fact, there are some skeptical individuals who do not believe anyone is possessed! They do not suspect even those who engage in sexual behavior that everyone recognizes as far-out, such as foot fetishes, belly-button fetishes, and such.

These accusations have had a bad effect on some. There are some young people who in the past may have found themselves aroused, perhaps only a little, by others of the same sex and who now worry if demons, previously undetected, have taken up residence inside of them. This would be a disquieting thought for anyone. I have consulted experts in demonology to determine, just exactly how one can know, with a reasonable degree of medical certainty, if one is or is not possessed. These are my finding: (The experts I spoke with insisted on anonymity in order to avoid any possible retaliation from a demon, some of whom are known to possess people who are entirely heterosexual.}


You have heard those embarrassing stomach sounds in a classroom right before lunch when some guy  two rows away makes a noise like he swallowed a locomotive. These sounds, borborygmi, are sometimes attributed to hunger or to pancreatitis, but, according to my demon experts, they are sometimes the first sign of demonic possession. Indeed, they may take place at the very moment the demon is settling in after a possibly very long journey through the etherplasm, the interstellar medium that separates the ectoplasm from the epidermis. At this early stage of possession, the demon can be thwarted by intoning “Um…de,um….um de ummm”    or by belching.

Reynaud’s Syndrome

Reynaud’s Syndrome is a peculiar disorder of the hands in which the fingers turn colors: white, then blue, and then red. The patriotic hues are not a coincidence. I am told that demons (sometimes only an imp) are driving the affected individual to burn the American flag. Raynaud’s syndrome is an attempt by the body to ward off this disreputable impulse by limiting the urge to the fingers. (The expert who explained this to me was not certain that the urge to burn the American flag was related in some way to homosexuality; but, as he put it to me, “They’re all the same, vegans, homosexuals, radical feminists and flag burners.”

Carious teeth

One indication of just how malevolent a demon can be is their inclination to cause painful tooth cavities. A sure sign of possession is the absence of every other tooth, either on top or on bottom, of an affected individual, giving that person a sardonic look, even a predatory look. What has often been taken as the fangs of a vampire are really, simply, a manifestation of demonic possession.

Arm-flapping in concert with small leaps.

Perhaps you have seen such behavior on a beach or in the football stands. This is a late stage of demonic possession, especially when accompanied by eye-rolling and raspy, guttural sounds. These affected persons are beyond help. But, they may or may not be homosexual.

A word about treatment

Treatment of demonic possession is always problematic. Tickling has been tried and does not work. Neither does yelling in their ears or singing religious or patriotic songs. Muttering Latin prayers while gesticulating wildly will not work unless, perhaps, the affected person’s native language is Latin. The treatment, in general, of homosexuals, although encouraged by the governor of Indiana, has been banned in other states, such as California. California is very backward when it comes to treating homosexuality, particularly if there is the possibility of demonic possession.

Little known facts.

It may be possible for an individual to be possessed by more than one demonic entity at a time. One demonologist, who happened, also, to be a gastroenterologist, told me that the cause of inflammatory diseases is usually the presence of two different demons who do not find each other’s presence congenial. The result is cramping and blood in the stools.

It is difficult to conduct a census of demons since they are invisible most of the time except during a full moon when they cast long shadows. “You shall know them by their effect,” said a famous demonologist. Keep an eye out for untoward political views. Gluttony is a sign. So is raucous and uncontrolled laughter.


It is readily apparent that the great majority of homosexuals do not show any signs of possession. In fact, most psychologists feel demonic possession plays at most a small role in the development of homosexuality. Still, if you see a family member who displays borborygmi, red, white and blue fingers, and a tendency to jump up and down flopping his/her arms, you may have cause for concern. Especially if he/she has a gap-toothed smile. (c) Fredric Neuman