Q: I have dated a woman for two years who has “BPD”. She was perfect in my eyes for the first year. I used to say she was my fantasy woman in every way. A year in she started being violent and having outbursts, or temper tantrums, and these became more common until it was an every day occurrence. During that time I did not view it as abuse and I thought it was just a rough patch and soon we would be back to how we were during the first year. Even though I was missing appointments and obligations because of black eyes and other injuries. A common theme to these episodes is that I always felt responsible. I thought “if I would have done this different or not have made her angry she wouldn’t have raged for three hours breaking my stuff and hitting me”. After each episode it seemed like her demands on me became greater and more unreasonable and I could not possibly comply with her demands. This continued until one day she was searching my email and found a picture of a puppy my ex had sent me before we had even met which instantly threw her into a rage. She ended up stabbing me 13 times that day. Immediately I forgave her and she was “sorry” until I did. Once she realized that I was still there to “help her through this difficult time” she began to blame me for the incident. After the stabbing I had gone to the ER and they had called the cops. Something in me was telling me that I was tired of lying for her and I became angry for being put into these situations so I told the truth when they showed up. Once she realized she was in trouble she immediately went from needing me and loving me to hating me and said I was just being “vindictive” by telling the police. Everything became why I was such an asshole to do this to her. She started going around building up her defense and telling people that I was “abusive” especially emotionally abusive. The truth was I could not have been a larger doormat for this woman giving her unlimited chances and resources. People began to view me as the primary abuser even though i’d never been abusive towards her and the DA treated me like the criminal. She was so good at manipulation that one day in court she secretly summoned me over to her seat and, being the naive, in love, idiot, I was I stood up and walked up to her and she instantly started screaming in the middle of the court session “get away from me you asshole why are you harassing me”. Needless to say the DA took me back into her office and said “this is why you were stabbed and this is why she abused you”, “you push her buttons until she explodes”. She pretty much said this is all your fault. I now view this as a woman who easily manipulated a system designed to put men in jail not women for domestic violence. After all of this why do I still miss her and want to talk? I think I want validation for what happened in almost a “you don’t really believe that about me do you”? Every relationship I have now seems boring and I desperately want to be happy again. I think being in that relationship for two years has changed me. I am easily angered and defend myself to much to only a little criticism. Why do people like this rub off and are almost contagious to others? Can Borderline Personality be the only thing wrong with someone like this? How to I process this and come to peace with this situation? Thank You,Andrew
A: Your story makes me wish I knew what BPD meant.
If you are asking me what sort of diagnosis your girlfriend might fit, I don’t know. Borderline individuals can behave like this, but I would be more inclined to think of a manic state. I think everybody reading your account is going to have the same reaction, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE! Long before I got to the part where she stabbed you thirteen times, I thought that you should get as far away from this woman as you can. IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU LOVE HER! You may have a hard time separating from her now, but that sense of boredom will dissipate after a time. If you date aggressively, (even if you do not feel like dating) the feeling of missing her will go away in a matter of months. It always goes away when you finally meet and fall in love with someone else. When that time comes, I would hesitate to go into detail about this relationship, because SHE’S LIKELY TO THINK YOU’RE CRAZY! The authorities are going to trust your girlfriend’s story, rather than yours, because they will think no one would willingly put himself in such danger repeatedly.
– Dr. Neuman