Q: I’m so glad to have read your post on the “common scold” because THAT IS ME! I used to do the kinds of things you’ve described. Here are a few examples:1) Roll down the car window and scold jaywalkers or people who cross “against the light” by telling them it’s dangerous and they should pay attention. 2) Tell waitstaff who yell across the room to each other about open tables or needing coffee that it’s rude and customers don’t like it.3) Put a note on someone’s front door telling them that not taking care of the yard is driving down property values and people’s enjoyment of living in the area. I sometimes feel compelled to do this kind of thing but rarely do it anymore. I discovered why I was doing it and wanted to share it with you; I was afraid. When a kid rides his bike “dangerously” through traffic, I fear hitting him with my car. I would be devastated to hurt someone. I couldn’t even bear to see someone else hurt him. I don’t want his family to suffer the loss. I think “he must not realize cars can’t stop at this speed limit and distance” or “we can’t see him in those dark clothes.” I fear that people will lose their homes, businesses, or loved ones. I worry that if the person doesn’t know they are endangering themselves or others, they will continue and eventually, it will lead to some tragic situation. Sometimes, I’m trying to protect myself, but usually it’s about “the greater good.”I DO know that it’s often seen as irritating, weird, or at the very least, “kooky” but I genuinely feel afraid when I see Tupperware on top of someone’s stove or dogs without leases running into the street. As you may guess, I HAVE lived a life where some bad things have happened and the consequences for NOT paying attention were painful and sometimes severe. If, as a child, I’d lost my home and family to a house-fire, I might be ultra-sensitive to fire hazards. But in my case, I never knew what causes might have catastrophic effects and became hyper-vigilant about LOTS of things. If you never know where disaster lurks, you have to look everywhere! And (if you are a nice person) WARN PEOPLE!!I have learned to sooth myself if a variety of ways, but still get scared for people, including myself. I do understand, though, that trying to control everything and prevent all disaster is a) impossible and b) creates a life focused on “what-if” instead of “what-is.” Now I try to make sure I’m a careful driver, choose quiet restaurants and keep my lawn trimmed. When I see people or things that worry me, I wish them well and move on. I just wanted you to know, Dr. Neuman, some of those odd balls are really very nice, very scared people who don’t know that everything is going to work out just fine. They are trying to “help” and not doing a great (or appreciated) job of it.Be well-Cassandra
A: That you for sharing that story with me.
– Dr. Neuman