Q: I’ve been feeling extremely lonely, demotivated and numb for about two and a half years. I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I remember, but it’s never bothered me like it has been lately. I have a deep sense of unworthiness. I’ve been going to college the past two years in hopes that it would make me feel better if I was doing something with my life, but it’s been really hard lately to get out of bed and go to class and it’s only a 12 minute drive… I feel like everyone I try to connect to is either too busy or I feel like I’m just someone to kill time with; no real, strong bond. Everyone I’ve tried to get to know in college pretty much vanished as soon as the class I had with them finished. It’s strange, even when I do feel a bit close to someone the past few two years, I get really uneasy or numb. A little over a week ago, I told my professor how much I appreciated being in her class and she had a big grin on her face and hugged me, but when she did, I felt this strange emptiness. My mind went blank and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I feel like I should add this. Three years ago, I felt I had finally formed a bond with someone where I felt at ease and happy. I went to bed whispering: “real life is finally better than my dreams.” It was the first time I wasn’t constantly feeling anxiety and could finally drop my guard against life. Out of the blue a few months later, she gave me the cold shoulder and all my attempts to reach her have all gone unanswered. I feel like I’m not someone worth loving anymore.I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing with my life anymore, but I am strongly considering therapy or something soon.
– John H.
A: Therapy sounds like a good idea to me. You mention a distressing feeling when someone is actually warm to you. If it is true that warmth and closeness makes you feel uncomfortable, that is one explanation for why you have not been able to achieve a loving relationship. (Love applies to friends in addition to lovers.)
People grow up with certain prejudices about themselves and about the world in general. They may have a particular point of view about the opposite sex. If these views are negative, they interfere with the ability to react to others in ways that encourage closeness. They are self-fulfilling prophecies. I do not think it is crucial to determine how these prejudices formed. I think what is important is to learn how to approach people in the right way–even if it does not come naturally. If you are disappointed repeatedly with other people, you are doing something wrong. It is important to discover what your may be doing to keep people at arms length. Here are some possible reasons:
1. You may not be systematically approaching others in ways that allow you to meet enough people so that you are not too disappointed by the fact that inevitably some of them will not want to be friends with you. Others will.
2. You may be overly discouraged by those few who will disappoint you.
3. You may be expecting too much. Sometimes even good friends turn away for a period of time when they become preoccupied with other aspects of their lives.
4 You may start off by sounding bitter or in other ways that are unappealing.
Psychotherapy acts to make these deficiencies more explicit and obvious. It is an objective outsider’s view. Often it takes only small changes in behavior and expectations to achieve the goals you seem to have.
– Dr. Neuman