Q: Lets say your ex boyfriend leaves you to start dating his girl best friend (his girl best friend is his best friend’s ex girlfriend, which is how he met her), when you were with him you noticed how much he cared for her and how much time they would spend together you always complained to him why he would care for her so much and he would reply that you were seeing things and you were just jealous and would assure it was brother-sister love and not romantic….. but you always thought wrong of it. The girl best friend and you never got along she actually hates you over some high school drama, but you guys keep your distance and avoid each other even though you were the girl of this guy and she was the best friend. After 2 years of dating he one day he decides to let go of the relationship with you with no explanation. You’re pride wont question him or ask for him to come back. After 4 months he starts texting you saying he misses you and he wants to talk but you completely ignore the text messages and don’t reply. That same week of him texting you you run into him at a bar, you hear rumors he his messing with his girl best friend but you don’t know if you should believe them since he would always say he had a brother affection towards her and you wanted to believe him, when you guys see each other he keeps trying to talk to you saying how much he misses you and that he still loves you and wants to work things out. You fall for it and go home with him he promises you things will change and he is ready for what he wasn’t before. You believe him. After 2 days you text him to see how hes doing, and he replies to you with a text saying he loves this other girl and wants to be with her. It breaks you since your since you were in the process of getting over him and accepting the fact of you guys not being together and for him to come back in your life and to tell you he wanted to work things out just completely messes you up. After that ypu text him saying you always thought he had more than a friendship feeling for her and that at least know you know you weren’t crazy or seeing things when you would question him about her. You wished him the best of luck, even though it really was killing you inside. What hurt most was him telling you 3 days before he wanted to work things out and to now tell me he was in love with his best friend wanted to be with her made makes you feel horrible. I didnt know but apparently they had been having a relationship secretly without people knowing for almost a year now, and since she wasnt so into him at the beginning he would use me as a distraction to not be on her so much. After she found out that we went home together after the bar she went crazy on him and a month later made it official and started going out. She tried texting me as a ‘friend’ so we could hang out but I didnt want her in my life. My question now is… is what they have is real or temporary? Is it just infatuation or real love? I thought I was over him but its been 3 months since they became official and there is not a day I dont think about him. I don’t want him back, but I feel like if they stay together the pain they caused me would’ve been all worth it? Is it possible for one of them to fall out of love?
– Marissa D.
A: I think (but I’m not sure) I know who’s dating whom. As I understand your story, a guy you were dating seriously seemed to be attracted to another girl who was part of your group. He denied being interested in her, but it turned out he was. He left you for this other woman, came back briefly, and then left again. Now, they seem to be a couple. This story sounds commonplace and probably requires no special explanation. Couples frequently break apart, come back again briefly, break apart, and can come back together still again–usually the amount of time the couple spends together are shorter at each interval as one or both of them remembers why they broke up in the first place. I think you are right in being gracious (“cool”) in reacting to this abandonment. It happens to everyone sooner or later. There is no way of knowing whether this other couple is in love or if they will stay together permanently. Most relationships break up. They, themselves, cannot know. For that reason, it is a good idea not to accept at face value anything about “love” that anyone professes. It is not so much that people lie. It’s just that people’s feelings change unpredictably. If you want to know if a boyfriend will be interested in you six months down the road, you cannot judge by what he says. You have to wait six months. Even then, as you know from your own experience, no relationship can be guaranteed to last, even after a couple gets married.
I don’t like to distinguish between “crushes” and “true love.” They both feel the same. If real love is defined by feeling the same way forever, then there is no way of knowing if someone is “really” in love–for the reason I mention above.
– Dr. Neuman