It is often said, “It does no good to worry.” Why, then, do people worry? In particular, it is often said, “It does no good to worry about things you can’t do anything about.”
Of course, the kinds of things people worry about are precisely those things they cannot readily do anything about. People do not worry about what to get for dinner tonight, because they can readily get any kind of dinner they want. They make up their mind about what to eat for dinner, and if that particular food or foods are unavailable, they know they can get something just as suitable. They plan their day in similar ways. It is only things that seem intractable, resistant to planning, that cause people to worry. Most people worry about the same things: their children, the possibility of getting seriously sick, being fired from a job and possibly becoming impoverished. Some people worry about a spouse being unfaithful. These worries can be divided further, and subdivided. For instance, I commonly hear parents express a concern that their children will get sick, get kidnapped by a sexual predator, get involved with other kids who are a bad influence, not study enough–or study too much– get into sexual trouble, use illicit drugs, get into an accident while driving, marry the wrong person, and so on. The older our children get, the less influence and control we have over them. This is the reason why parents tend to worry more about adult children who are in trouble.Worrying is an inevitable consequence of an inability to plan effectively to deal with a threat–or an imagined threat.
The advantages of planning are obvious: someone who confronts a danger or anything that seems dangerous, or disadvantageous, is in a better position to protect himself. Someone who has reason to think he may get fired can speak to his boss, look for a transfer, and, if worst comes to worst, start looking for another job. When it seems to him that he is doomed to be fired and has no possibility of getting another job, inevitably he will worry. It is not that worrying is desirable, it is that planning is desirable–and every once in a while planning is thwarted. When it comes to children, everyone recognizes that sooner or later the kids are on their own, That is why parents worry.
There are two comments worth making:
1. Many of the things my patients (and probably most other people) worry about are unrealistic. These worries are innumerable and include the fear of planes crashing, getting stuck in an elevator, terrorist attacks in the neighborhood, cancer and AIDS, and so on. Some jealous people are obviously jealous without cause. Some super-competent workers worry, nevertheless, about getting fired. The job of the psychotherapist is to make clear, insofar as that is possible, which worries are worthy of concern and which are irrational and unlikely, and sometimes out and out impossible.
2 It is also the job of the therapist to investigate those situations which strike the patient as beyond his control, and develop strategies which offer some hope of dealing effectively with those situations. “What if…” the patient asks. “Well, then,.. ” the therapist adds. “What if I lose my job?” “Well, then, you can send out your resume to former employers, network, go back to school…etc.” Worry is dissipated when a reasonable plan can be implemented. And it is a rare situation, including losing a job, developing cancer, dealing with rejection, and so on, that cannot be managed to some degree with appropriate planning.