Q: Thank you for this space to solicit objective advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. In that time, we’ve broken up twice. First, briefly, because we did not agree on having children (I want them, he did not), and again because he made an 11th hour decision not to move into a new place with me. In that separation, he became involved in a different relationship. We rekindled our romance and he broke it off with that woman. Later, I learned that he was not entirely faithful to me and was engaging in online flirtations. When confronted, he was sincerely apologetic and has been faithful and attentive since. We did ultimately move in together and are in our 5th month, and we’ve been happy in that time. We share happiness, we don’t argue, we have good communication, we both enjoy each others company, and actively work to improve our relationship. Since moving in together, our passion has steadily been in decline, and while it is still there, it is not what it used to be. In talking about it, he has concluded that he is not “in love” with me, but still loves me. He’s decided that it is time to end our relationship. This is the exact same rhetoric used during our “big” break up. I feel like this is just a phase, a cycle we seem to engage in around this time of year (working toward our third year, and our third break up). He says he is certain of how he feels in this moment, but cannot and will not speak as to how he will feel in the future. He is patient and willing to discuss this with me, but does not feel like his mind/heart will change as a result. My heart is still entirely in this relationship. My questions are: Do I pursue this relationship and its possibly toxic cycles of on-again off-again while trying to nurture him through his commitment issues (which he does have due largely to abandonment from his mother following his dad’s suicide)? Or do I throw in the towel and try to pursue a healthier relationship? As I said, my heart is still in this relationship. We’ve been through a lot together and have come out the other side of it and seem to grow stronger each time we do. As complicated as it sounds, I believe that he and I are good together and help each other grow. This is just growing pains, right? He says he loves me, he’s been happy in this relationship and has no complaints, there’s nothing missing and he does feel fulfilled, but he is just not “in love” with me anymore.
– Jackie R.
A: Many close relationships go through stages similar to yours. A couple breaks up briefly, then, later on, breaks up for a longer period of time, and then, finally, breaks up permanently. No one can be sure about what will happen in the future; but it is reasonable to think that someone ambivalent about you after a period of months and years will not be there on the future. I know this is not what you want to hear. I never recommend that someone give up on a relationship because–in the first place–no one takes that kind of advice. Usually, someone has to be hit over the head a few times before they are ready to move on. Still, let me point out that you have mentioned some serious problems. A disagreement about having children is really important and, depending on the feelings of each person, very likely to put an end to a relationship, or a marriage, for that reason alone. Also, someone unfaithful during a courtship period is even less likely to be faithful later on. A cooling sexual interest (more than usual after an initial courtship period) is likely to presage a serious loss of interest later on. Besides, he is saying he is lukewarm. Aren’t you entitled to someone who is enthusiastic about you?
I won’t say anything about your giving up on this relationship; but I think you should start dating other people.
– Dr. Neuman